The purpose of this message is to meditate on the nature of the relationship between Gimli the Dwarf and Galadriel. First of all, let's consider the evidence:
One: Ever since he set eyes on Galadriel, Gimli made a hell of a fuss about her beauty, to the point of nearly picking a fight with Eomer over her. Two: When Gandalf was resurrected after fighting the Balrog, Gwaihir carried him to Lothlorien, and Galadriel gave him the following message for Gimli: "Lock-bearer, wherever thou goest my thought goes with thee." Three: It is explicitly stated that when Legolas left Middle-Earth for good, Gimli went with him just because he wanted to see the Lady again. And it is hinted that it was probably Galadriel herself who talked Manwe into letting him cross over to the Undying Lands.
Having pondered over these facts, I can almost imagine the headlines on the "Valinor Enquirer," the biggest-selling tabloid in the Lands of the West, chief editor Mandos (who foresees the future but is not allowed to reveal it, so he gets even by publishing celebrities' present and recent past):
Scandal is running rampant on Tol Eressea, with rumours of the impending divorce of one of the most beloved couples on the island. Celeborn and Galadriel are splitting up after the publication of photographs depicting the Lady of Lothlorien and Gimli, the only Dwarf ever to travel West of Numenor's watery grave.
Highly reliable sources have declared that when he saw the pictures yesterday, Celeborn went to the nearest bar and drank himself under the table. As of 10:00 TMT (Taniquetil Mean Time) today, he had commited his sixteenth suicide attempt, before he could sober up and remember that he's immortal and cannot kill himself in Eressea. So he changed his mind and decided to go after the Dwarf. A duel is fixed for tomorrow at dusk, and Mandos Communications Incorporated has already hired exclusive broadcasting rights through a written agreement with both parties. Mithrandir the Wizard has been confirmed as the referee. "I will keep this a clean fight," he declared. "No chemical, biological or nuclear weapons will be allowed on the ring."
A crowd of Papparazzi stalked Galadriel's mansion today, where she received a visit from her father, King Finarfin. The King's spokesperson responded to questions from the media with a laconic "No comments."
Friends of the two secret lovers were questioned on the subject. Frodo "Nine-Fingered" Baggins the Ring-Bearer declined to comment on the matter. Samwise Gamgee answered, "I always told Celeborn not to be so soft on that broad of his. If now he's lost her, he can't say as I didn't warn him. Everybody knew all along who was wearing the trousers in that family. Not at all like me and ol' Rosie used to be, no Mister. She always knew she had a strong shoulder to lean on, and no mistake." Ulmo, Lord of the Seas, commented, "The problem with Galadriel is that she has always had such a fiery spirit, just like her uncle Feanor." Elrond, former Lord of Imladris, suggested that a council be held to discuss the matter and reach a satisfactory solution. Manwe was also questioned, and declared that it was yet too soon to define a proper course of action. "Let's wait another five hundred years, so that I can consult Iluvatar." Bilbo Baggins was also questioned and answered, "Galadriel who?"
An anonymous source has phoned our offices telling us that, in the last four hundred years, Celeborn has been making secret trips to the city of Bree in Eriador, where he buys supplies of Viagra under a false name, since Viagra is legal in some parts of Middle-Earth. The local pharmacy store is owned by Meriadoc Butterbur, CEO and main shareholder of Prancing Pony Developments Inc., which among other things gathers under its wing every hotel, drug store and pub between the Shire and the outskirts of Mirkwood. Butterbur denied any involvement in the matter, and refused to let us speak to his employees from the pharmacy who might confirm the story. Our same anonymous source tells us, nevertheless, that Mithrandir himself made a visit to Butterbur to advise him to keep a tight lid on the subject. Mithrandir's mysterious connections with the Butterbur family seem to go back to an ancestor of the Butterburs from the days of the War of the Ring.
OK, so John Ronald Reuel would never have written this kind of BS. Just hope I got a smile or two out of you guys with this, though... ;)